APRES MOI, LE DELUGE

PLEASE HELP ME OUT

2008-05-17T00:09:34Z

pretty much im doing anything i can to get scholarship money to help me pay for school. i know this can be annoying, the whole "asking my friends for help" thing... but if you happen to come across this rare journal entry, feel free to do me a favor and maybe even ask your friends to do the same...

the link below will take you to my entry for a simple campaign. all you have to do is click "VOTE" below the photo. once you arrive at the site, simply click "VOTE" beside my entry. it may prompt you to "log in" or whatever... dont. you DO NOT have to be a member to help me out [although it would not hurt to join because member votes count several times more and you will then have the opportunity to win things yourself]. anyway, all you need to do is click "ENTER AS GUEST" or whatever the prompt is... then vote for my entry.

you can only vote every 24 hours, which sucks but helps a lot if you can remember. like i said, i need all the help i can get. i help other people out with things like this if/when i can... so itd be cool to know that id receive the same amount of consideration and assistance.

THANKS IN ADVANCE to you. it really means a lot.
be sure to comment or something to let me know that you voted for/reviewed my entry and if youd like anything in return [no sex, sorry] then i would be happy to see what i can do for you.

THANK YOUUUU !
=]

Just Face It - Face Photo Challenge
Brickfish
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srsly_brytni @ 2007-08-26T09:28:00

2007-08-26T14:31:56Z

woah.

this week
went by soooo fast like shiiiiiiit.
but yeah... school tomorrow.
not that excited.
but what can you do.

lip.
pierced.
friday.
its tight.
it didnt swell til like, mid saturday...
so its a little funky looking
but not too bad
since my lips are already puffyish.

we shouldve gone when we planned boyyy
so the swelling would be lessened before classssss
why dont you listen to meeeee ??!!

anyway...
not much is happening in the private dept.
i mean... there is stuff.
but i shouldnt disclose it.
i gotta get ready for church.

yes.
church.
I KNOW !
guess ill explain this rarer than rare phenom when i return.

bye betches.

hmmm

2007-08-24T00:43:46Z

i guess she, like everyone else, doesnt trust me.

at least she was honest.

[C-STAT]

2007-08-21T21:54:05Z

fun so far.

minimal stress.
[this wont last]

omg mike... omg.

mcfadden is fine.
smaller room ><
but whatevz. i can deal.

poking you tattoo must wait til saturday.
cos we want to party this week.
and partying will be muffled if we get pierced.

probably not going to dallas.
too far. for too little.
maybe jeph will come down here... ?
this would be better.
i do miss him.

dont want to go to class monday.
dont want to go to class tuesday.
dont want to go to class wednesday.
dont want to go to class thursday.
dont want to go to class friday.

gym.
i need to go to the gym.
im fucking fat.

damn you boy !

2007-08-14T16:35:50Z

why did you have to pull me in ?!

& so soon before i leave too.

damn you boy, youre so sweet.

something i didnt expect to find

2007-08-13T01:59:30Z

danggg.

i think im really gonna miss this boy.

dude.

2007-08-10T04:22:36Z

make up your mind.

its confusing when you dont talk to me for days
then suddenly strike up flirty conversation.
then get mad and abuptly end the conversation.
then say "hey ! cant wait to see you" the next day
as if nothing happened.

um, okay... what ?

you know how i feel about you...
and i still miss you more than youll ever know

but jeez louise.
youre making this wayyyy harder on me.
im already like, GAHH over you
so, being all hot&cold on me is just heartwrenching.

come on.
tell me what you want already.

HOW ?

2007-08-09T05:27:51Z

how do i manage to fuck this up
every
time
?

i hate the drifting feeling
i mean, i hate experiencing it with anyone
but especially him...
and its only been the last few weeks
but it sucks... im like afraid.

it makes me happier than i could ever express
when i feel us coming together again.

we hadnt talked in days
but tonight i struck up conversation
flirty... fun... back to normal.

he will never understand how happy something that simple makes me.

of course i had to say something to screw it up. again.

i didnt think it was a big deal.

so fuck.
maybe she was right.
maybe this will hurt me more than i know.
or maybe i just wasnt meant to be at peace.

so... a couple of things

2007-08-06T03:57:07Z

1. i feel like ive gained 20 pounds
i dont think ive gained anything
and if i have it was like, mabe 5 pounds
but i feel like my body looks different
especially in the middle
about a month ago i was siked to go back to texas
to do my suicide girls shoot
and to show off my hotness at school, haha !
yeah... ehh, NOT !
but yeah, i felt like, confident and fit
and wanted everyone to see how in shape and confident i became
but lately i feel like a blob, especially in the middle
i havent been eating THAT much more
although now its like... burger king instead of whatevers at my house
i dunno. i guess ill just cut back and do more cardio.
[i feel swollen]

2. i get hit on at work. a lot.
coworkers... customers... ugh.
at first i was flattered, like... damn
i havent had human interaction in a while
and now that im getting some
it comes chock full of whistles and compliments
but that got old... fast.
a couple of the guys at work are cute.
but theyre in high school so its like... ehh...
we get along great and have the same sense of humour
i love going in to work...
but its the older guys [or guy specifically]
its like... creepy and gross.
im like... dude. youre like, almost 50 and your kids are my age
stop trying to be cool like all the other workers
and back off. ew. so gross.
its srsly harassment...
but if he werent leaving in 3 days
and i werent leaving soon after
id probably file a report or complaint
or however you report inapporopriate workplace behavior
i mean, we all make jokes and fuck around and whatever
but not like, crossing the line...
especially with such an age barrier its awkward
just some of the things he says its like... eww.
god, its annoying.

3. i. cant. wait.
for texas.
and friends.
and parties.
and sleepovers.
and kisses.
and hugs.
and everything ive been missing.
like you boyyy <3
[i cant wait to see your face]

srsly_brytni @ 2007-08-04T21:50:00

2007-08-05T02:53:54Z

its almost 10oclock
on a saturday night
& all i can think about
is how everyone i want to be with right now
is partying like its a saturday night

as they should be.
we're young adults
& its the summer

we should be having the time of our lives
right ?

its almost 10oclock
on a saturday night
& all i can think about
is you.

i think

2007-08-03T06:58:34Z

i love him too.

AKLFDBSAJLKVBAJDVBDKAJK

2007-08-01T22:40:52Z

i fucking hate paying for my education

maybe one of the stupidest concepts i will ever have to deal with

after busting my ass
and excelling at the top of my class
for the last 13 years
it all gets taken away
like none of my hard work mattered

i earned those scholarships
its so fucking stupid
how they place ridiculously high standards
in order to keep them

last year i didnt have to pay a thing
which doesnt happen for most people, i know
but i had worked hard so that my parents and i
wouldnt have to struggle to pay thousands of dollars
for me to learn.

but because i fell just short of the required 3.5 gpa
[which is fucking insane considering the crazy courseload i had]
most of my scholarships were revoked
many, if not all, without a chance to re-earn them
im so pissed.

obviously im mad cos of the unfairness of it all
its easier for some to maintain the gpa than others

if im taking calc, physics, engineering, psych, chem and labs
[at the same time !]
its clearly gonna be harder for me than for someone whos taking
intro to this or blahblahblah101 or kinesiology whatever
the courseload matters.

on top of that, moving around all my life didnt help

i didnt get the opportunities in high school
to take a bunch of college courses for AP credit or whatever
cos i was so busy making up the requirements
of every new school district i moved to
so i spent my whole first year of college
taking courses many of my peers took when they were like 17

so here i am.

in college.

i owe the school almost $5000.

THIS SEMESTER !

and i have just enough to pay for it

but i still have to pay in january.

ive applied for countless scholarships
more and more even this summer
to try to secure my financial situation
so i dont have to drop out of school
for something as trivial and stupid as money

im obviously intelligent.
i spent all of high school at or near the top of my class
and im still in the top 20% at a&m
but no... its not good enough

ive failed again.

like damn... just let me learn in peace.

fuckers.

does he love you ?

2007-08-01T19:26:30Z

does he love you ?
will he hold your tiny face in his hands ?

he said he loved me
...
um. what ?

um... what ?

2007-08-01T01:45:34Z

guess i did something.

again.

its hard to beat yourself up for something
when you dont know what it is you did wrong.

im so confused.

srsly_brytni @ 2007-07-30T23:54:00

2007-07-31T04:55:42Z

is anyone i hang with
[besides derek]
NOT in a relationship ?

NO.

more lonely than before.

2007-07-31T02:58:33Z

so... im not gonna lie
knowing that he thinks shes "gorgeous" kind of hurts

i mean, i know it shouldnt
of course he thinks it... its kind of true
and he has every right, she is his girlfriend
but damn... after some of the shit hes said about her
its surreal watching them rekindle that relationship
and of course it bothered me a little
cos its not like he ever told me i was pretty...
much less gorgeous.

god id like to have someone.

not to patronize me or be fake with me.
but to like me for me
and to tell me im beautiful
and mean it all.

watching mike... and jeph... and even sam...
with the girls they love or whatever...
fuck.
happy people make me miserable.
especially happy people i used to kind of be happy with.
like, shit am i that bad ?!

wrong, i know.
it shouldnt be that way
but i cant help it.

i just want... something.
...

way to make yourself cry again, you pathetic emo bitch.

hooray

2007-07-29T19:17:02Z

for drunken phone calls at 3 am
& false hope for the rest of my waking life.

srsly_brytni @ 2007-07-26T23:31:00

2007-07-27T04:51:11Z

i miss talking to jeph all the time
now its like every few days.
bummer.

my boobs are like, really tender
and bigger... i better not be...
omfgz.
i mean, i know im not but...
damn my titties hurt.

really im sore all over
from work.
my legs are killing me by the end of the day
and i barely recover overnight
before i have to go back in and stand all day
im happy to be finally making some money
but ill be glad when its over

i think ive gained a few pounds in the last week
i mean, not like when some people say a few
and its like, 20...
but i mean like, 3 or 4 pounds
which doesnt seem like a huge deal
but im kind of small to begin with
so gaining 5 punds to me
isnt the same as it would be to like
a 400 pound man

i feel big
and these huge tits arent helping
i love the size of my boobs i guess
i wouldnt want them to be any bigger
and ive never really wanted them smaller
at least not since like, 8th grade...
theyre perfect in that sense
but fuck theyre tender lately, like sore...
ughhh !!

okay so if im back to the size i was
like a few weeks ago when i was feeling all hot and shit
then ill be ready to do my shoot
i got a photographer in austin
im pretty siked... its about that time
and i may do a set with chloe
since shes the one who hooked me up with the photog
the shoot he did of her was amazing
and she recently did one with her friend rachael
they were great... really classy
i mean, they looked like right out of a magazine
anyways... im excited for that
i needneedneeeeeeeeeed to get him to sign the release form
so i can update my profile
i love the SuicideGirls... i cant wait for my set to go up
=]

nothing much is new
i kind of want to fall asleep with someone
just to like, cuddle i guess
its corny, i know but i wanna like...
be held.

god im pathetic.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm !

and a spider bit me
on my neck
last night as i was falling asleep
i felt it twice
i was even awake enough to attempt to swat it away
but apparently i failed
since i woke up with a welt right where my neck becomes my shoulder...
yeah it sucks.

i suck.

have it your way

2007-07-26T04:29:35Z

got a job.
its fine.
today was my 3rd day.
i only have...
maybe 16 days left, haha

assuming they work me the max number of days theyre legally allowed

ive never worked fast food
i never expected i would either [ew]
i actually applied for a job in "food services"
because i heard there were openings at starbucks
but they put me with the patty flippers...
yay.

its not that bad.
i just stand around
and work the register
and get tired and sore

god im sore.
i could use a good massage.
so. much. standing.

so um, life.
feels better.
im letting go of stupid shit
that weights me down
and makes me mad...
which is a lot of things.

im tired of fighting to maintain my "best friendship" with sam
so at this point, its pretty much up to her
if she wants to remain in contact with me
im easy to reach and i wont turn her down
but for what ive been through, its not worth stressing over
its not worth putting myself out there to get hurt
its not worth all the energey ive wasted trying to make it work

if she wants it, she can come get it.

ehh...
im still really into jeph
but oviously im trying to wean myself away from it
i mean, i dont wanna lose him as a friend
im def looking forward to texas, and hes part of the reason
but this whole internal debate
with the girlfriend thing and... yeah, fuck that
i mean, i cant change my feelings
but im gonna try to stop feeding into them so often
flirting is fun... i cant help that im a flirt
but it sucks when i know the "mutual feelings" arent the same
theyre not like, a mirror image. and thats what i want
picky ?
hell no.
i dont think its much to ask.
if you wanna have that kind of relationship with me
ill give it to you... but i want to be the only one
i dont wanna fuck around and sleep with you
knowing that the next morning youll be smooching on your girl
like... no.
i dont want that.

but damn i like him.
adjklasfsdk !!

and umm... im ready to get out of florida.
the end.

I NEED

2007-07-19T16:01:15Z

TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE !!

[someone give me something to think about !]

it seems as though being alone with nothing to do
would only promote mind wandering
and lead me to think and ponder different things
but it always comes back to same focal point.

and i dont wanna do the whole "wtf is wrong with me" thing
cos id like to think im not like, messed up
but damn... i could really use like, an intervention...

or something cliche and hollywood like that.

youve got a hold on me

2007-07-18T05:47:06Z

i so want to give up on this.
everytime i think about it
he like, pulls me back in.

ADLDJAFKSJKAFK !!

god im weak.

he drives me mad

2007-07-17T18:06:55Z

sooooooooooo
despite the fact that hes taken and seemingly happy in his relationship, there are several other reasons why it makes no sense for me to pursue anything with him.

i mean, besides that i live in florida 4 months of the year, when i go back to texas im still over 3 hours away from him. not that we couldnt see each other, i mean it wouldnt be that big of a stretch for us to see each other every weekend. ive gone up to dallas to stay with him, and hes come down to c-stat to hang with me. but this whole "he has a girlfriend" thing just blows.

how shitty yeah ? im soooo not trying to be "the other woman". hell no. and the feelings are pretty lopsided id say. like, i know he is interested in me, hes made that pretty clear. but i actually like him, like... deeply ? i guess... its hard to explain. it just know its much more intense than the feelings he has for me. and how fucked up if we hook up or whatever and he has someone to go back to. someone who loves him and trusts him and thinks the world of him... he doesnt lose anything. whereas im still alone and dealing with the fact that the person ive got feelings for has [stronger] feelings for someone else.

and even though, for most people, sex is usually an emotional experience, i know that hooking up wouldnt be like "this will increase my feelings for you, making them stronger and harder to deal with". im not like that... the way i feel about you right after weve done it is about how i felt right before, except tired. so that arguement about "making things worse" doesnt apply here. which makes me sound heartless and detached, but its not like that either. i just dont think sex is this magical love potion. im okay with that.

i was oddly excited when he broke up with his last girlfriend. like i felt kind of bad, cos she and i are okay friends. but at the same time i thought this is finally our chance. he told me during their relationship [and even before when he was single and i was with mike] how he felt about me. and i was pretty thrilled to find that now we were both single at the same time and into each other, how perfect, like... finally. but that lasted all of 2 weeks when he got back with his ex [refer to my entry not 2 weeks ago in which i explain this sick phenomenon].

so yeah... hes with his ex.
whos still in high school.
and so damn lucky...
shes so lucky.

its this shit that makes it hard for me not to sit around and pity my situation. im already having the lamest summer ever. so dealing with this [on top of several other relationships i dont have the energy to explain the intricacies of] just blows. i wish i had a job or a friend or something to distract me. everything reminds me of him. hes online like all day. and i find a real comfort in talking to him [since like, 3 other people actually talk to me]. i just cant stay away.

uhhhh he drives me mad.

srsly_brytni @ 2007-07-16T01:01:00

2007-07-16T06:07:01Z

youve been a little weird lately.
cold maybe ?
i dunno.

actually, as i put this in words
i realize im probably just...
paranoid and delusional.

solitude will do that to you.

im so alone.
and not just literally, like in the physical sense "by myself".
but also like in the figurative sense.
im not especially close to anyone.
anyone.

it sucks i kind of hate it.

and ive never been one to need a relationship
i mean ive only had 4 serious relationships
and there was always a length of time between each
where i was single and satisfied.
i dont NEED a significant other.

but i do need companionship.
even in the form of a casual friend would be nice.
im so alone

miserable.

okay, you can come save me now fuck.

asdfhjlk ;;

2007-07-15T05:28:54Z

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY.

♥

dont judge. its been too long.

2007-07-14T04:44:30Z

erase whatever youve ever thought of me.

im not who you think i am.

damn that sounds empty and cliche.
but im serious.

if you were to actually meet me
youd be in for a surprise.

and not a nice one... like homemade pie or something.